A boring and pretentious movie about a boring and pretentious movie maker (yawn)

Early in New Zealand film making, or at least early from my point of view (the early '80s) there was a trend to making deadly boring and pretentious films and call them deep. Unfortunately for the industry, Vigil, an early example of this type, was a hit with the critics and up and down the country film makers tried to emulate it.

For me, until I married a film maker, NZ movies were a gloomy no-go zone. Let's face it, even the good ones are seldom a laugh a minute - The Piano, Once Were Warriors, even Whale Rider.

So here we have The Russion Snark, a boring pretentious movie, a throw back to 1983, about a boring pretentious film maker - and the critics don't seem to have learned much - they like it!

1. If you're making a movie about something boring it has to be interesting, or at least funny. There's nothing funny about this movie.

2. Main characters, no matter how flawed, need to have some humanity, Misha (the pretentious Russian film maker) is childish, humourless, self centred, lazy, deluded and immoral.

3. Characters must be believable - Misha's foray into petty crime makes no sense, and his "redemption" at the end comes out of nowhere. We absolutely do not believe this is the same character.

4. His beautiful wife, who has put up with him for a long time, deserves, when she leaves him, better than the writers deliver. When she goes back to him it's a kind of defeat. We don't believe he's a better man.

5. When they sail off into the sunset nothing has been achieved, unless you believe Misha's a better person (yeah, right!) - to me it seems certain the whole sorry mess is due to be repeated at another location.

6. Most of the movie is Misha staring gloomily into nothing, Misha's awful black and white movie, and Misha groaning on about art and meaninglessness. The whole plot (such as it is) is crammed into the last quarter.

There are two good things - the black and white photography is terrific (just FARRRRRRR too much of it) and the actress playing Misha's wife Nadia is mesmerisingly beautiful.

How to succeed in movie making - drop the F bomb as often as you can

For completion's sake - this is a quick note about the Auckland final of the 48 hours film making competition. As we were disqualified for lateness, we were not in the running but we did win an award for weirdness.

The Auckland finalists were actually all good. Some very slick indeed such as the robot revenge movie with added special effects for director's commentary, Maori language versions and an alternative ending. Probably a bit too clever. There were a couple of pointless ones we had to scrabble to remember later, but the hit this year seems to have been the fad movie genre.

Fad movie? What's a "fad movie"? Well that's what I asked when I first heard of it. But the three I've seen have all been clever and original - including my favourite of the final which was about kite flying and had a sweet ending (unlike most 48 hour efforts which go for shock).

The winner was another fad movie which was a mockumentary about "kid jumping". Funny and original but it had one of those stupid shock endings.

My favourite from the heat - called Circus Animals - defied our predictions and was in the final.

One gripe - I kind of get why film makers liberally drop the "f-bomb" in their productions. But why do they have to do it when accepting their awards? The MC, Oliver Driver, dropped a few, and the winning team called each other "f - ers" and implied the audience were too. They're proud of it - revelling in their licence to curse liberally, as if they think they're making some huge stride towards a better society, or something.

Fashion victims

Who decreed that women don't want to wear skirts any more?

Or, if they do, they're 14 years old, or your great grandma?

Who said that cardigan sleeves need to be so tight they cut the blood flow to your hands? Or that all tops flare out under the boobs so you look pregnant? Or that black or the foulest purples, reds and blues are the only colours to wear?

I made the mistake recently of attempting to upgrade my wardrobe. It was very simple. I wanted two winter skirts, not black (I have three black skirts), and a variety of tops to go with them.

I had to scour two malls to find the skirts. I am a size 18 middle aged woman. The skirts had to be relatively trendy and flattering. I did find two. And only two. There were others that fit - but putting all the detail on the hips of a size 18 skirt is not smart - who wants extra inches there?

As for tops - ALL manufacturers put the shirt buttons exactly where a decent bust makes them gape or, worse, pop open. I have one shirt where they were thoughtful enough to put a dome in the strategic place, otherwise I avoid shirts or provide my own extra precaution. Also, high round necklines make large-busted, no-necked women (like me) look like their head grows straight out of a uni-breast. This year, guess what? A decent v-neck was almost as scarce as a decent skirt.

Maybe if I was shopping at the top end I'd have more luck - but we don't all have that choice. If there's any manufacturer reading this - please note - different shaped women need different shaped clothes.

Meanwhile I have a teenage daughter who is interested in a career in fashion. Maybe I'll be able to get her to make my clothes?